Life with a Prescription Addict

So basically this is going be a rant. My mom has been a prescription or OTC drug addict for as long as I can remember. When I was 3 I got into her purse and took some of her "Candies". Because she had so many different kinds of pills she couldn't tell the hospital what I took. They pumped my stomach and luckily I didn't die. She is also an alcoholic, so long story short my growing up life wasn't fun. Addicts tend to attract other addicts and I ended up living my childhood in a dysfunctional way. We have had a tumultous relationship to say the least. I find her addiction a weakness and she has always chosen anything else over me. We are trapped in a dance - she tries to value me as her daughter and I try to honour her as my mother, neither of us particularly likes or understands the other. I don't feel "love" towards her and she is incapable. I would never choose her as a friend or aquaintance - her tree hugger ways and addiction I find contemptuous at best. So we struggle in this toxic relationship. Off and on we have been estranged at times. Then a few years ago I thought she hit bottom and believed that God wanted me to try to help her out. I have done lots of praying and she desires a "relationship" with her grand kids. Tatjanna doesn't like her and Morgan desires a relationship with her - Morgan likes everyone to get along. So fast forward to Christmas 2011. I invited her to spend Christmas with us as we were having friends over and it was a pretty safe environment for us and her. Due to her unpredictability I can't have her here when we have other people over and Egil isn't too fond of her, for obvious reasons (her abusive ways, and the amount of money we've lent her over the years - even this past year). So I called her Dec. 24 as she had left several messages on my phone. She asked me to phone her Dec. 25 to make sure she was "up". Apparently, she can't get up and get ready for dinner by 6 pm. Messed up and that irritated me to say the least. She lives in this world where she can't look after herself BUT I can't committ her. So Morgan called her around 4 I think and of course she didn't pick up. I'd like to say I'm hurt or disappointed but mainly I am angry. Angry at myself for trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. Angry for trying yet again when I know she doesn't care. Angry knowing that if it was one of "her" friends she'd be there. Angry for letting her in to our lives. Angry because I allow her to disappoint my daughter. The one person who actually cares about her. Angry because I get so worked up it will take me days to not keep going over it and over it in my head and in my dreams. She called us at 7 and left a message saying she just got up (how messed up is that) and that it was probably too late to come over. Then she called about 3 more times. So here is how the cycle goes. I call her back - she is remorseful then when that doesn't work she tries to placate me with the gifts she bought us, this doesn't work so then she gets aggressive and verbally abusive. Up until this night I believed that God's will for me was to "honour" my mother, forgive her 7 x 70. But then I realized she is an ADDICT. What is required for my sanity and our family is for me to use Tough Love on her and that means walking away until she either gets help or dies. Sounds harsh but in reality I can't live in this cycle that has trapped me off and on for 40 years. I am an adult with my own family. Truthfully I wish there was a way I could divorce her. The chaos and turmoil she reeks on my life is exasperating. I did some research on addicts and this helped me somewhat. What I'd really like to do is berate her and have her actually hear me and be remorseful. But like all addicts she can't do anything but lie and manipulate. She is God's child first and he will have to look after her. I cannot. I also can't continue allowing her to cause such uproar in my life. I believe God never gives us more then we can handle, but I also believe that things should not be this much of a struggle if it's God and sometimes we just have to walk away. I am walking away. She needs to get help and start prioritizing or she doesn't deserve to be part of this family - "mother" or not.